Dear 10 year old Charlie,
I see you; I hear you, I know you…
I would love to wrap my arms around you and give you a big squeeze, one of those hugs that almost hurts but feels so good.
I’ve wanted to let you know for a long time now that you are loved and everything really will be ok, even if right now it seems a bit scary. You aren’t a baby anymore, you are a grown-up girl, well at least you feel like it every time you announce how old you are to the world. But now that I look at you, I see how young and innocent you still are and how brave you have been already for such a little human. I want you to know that I am so very proud of you and this letter is written with an open heart with so much love for who you’ve become.
You’re missing your dad right now and feeling so alone without your big brothers around. It’s just you and mum and the new dad, right?. It’s not the family you grew up with and not the family you wanted.
Let’s go back to when you were just five years old…
You were so little but there was a moment you remember so vividly because it changed everything. You came running into the lounge room from playing outside. Mum was sitting on the lounge hunched over with her head cradled over a large white porcelain dish that she was holding up to her face. You were so curious to see what she was doing so you hitched yourself up on your tippy toes to look inside and saw a river of the brightest red blood filling up the bowl flowing from mum’s face. You look straight into her eyes with a wide-eyed glare and she looked straight back at you without words, wincing with a swollen smile.
As your eyes searched her face for answers you were suddenly whisked away by Aunty Marie who threw you over her shoulder and said, “come on you, let’s go to my house”. As she brushed past your dad, you remember he turned his back on you burying his head into his hands…
And that was the day that became etched in your memory as the day your dad went away.
But now you’re 10 and here you are reading this letter…
Wondering why your dad left and why he doesn’t want to see you anymore…
And I know it haunts you.
You’re wondering what you did wrong to make him go away?
I know that you cry into your pillow at night so mum doesn’t hear you. She would be to upset if you didn’t call this new man ‘’dad’’ like she says you must.
You don’t want to start fresh with a new life, when you were happy with the one you had. You miss your friends and your old home and yes, I know, you really miss your dad.
The hardest part about being ten is that everyone keeps telling you how grown up you are now, but nobody really tells you what’s going on because you’re too young.
You know just enough to know something is wrong, but nobody tells you the truth in any detail. So, you end up making the story up in your head, based only on what you assume to be accurate.
And Charlie…this is exactly why I wanted to write this letter to you…
So that you know the truth.
First of all, you WILL see your dad again one day…
It won’t be the magical moment you are dreaming about in your head, but it will happen. You’re going to have to wait another 6 long years to see him which isn’t going to be easy, but you will make it through…
And eventually you will understand why all this had to happen the way it did.
I don’t want you to think for a second that there is ever an ‘ok reason ‘for a man to hit a woman.
In fact, for anyone to hit anyone.
But it happens and it can usually be the event that changes everything and sometimes – it can just keep being chaos. Either way it’s never ok… but I know you are going to struggle with this thought pattern for many years to come so this is my way of settling something for you.
During those 6 years of not knowing why your dad didn’t call, you will make yourself believe that it’s because he didn’t love you…
You’ll make yourself believe that you’re not worth the visit and you’ll continue to think that you’re not worth much to anyone for a big part of your life.
This thought pattern you create for yourself will become a belief that stays with you and infects every part of how you view yourself in the world.
How much effort you put into your schoolwork, what kind of jobs you put yourself forward for, even the kind of boys you end up ‘going around with’…
Ewwww I know, the idea of having a boyfriend is gross at the moment but that will change and sadly you don’t do so well at picking ones that are good for you.
Eventually you will rebuild the relationship with your dad, but it’ll be hard work and he doesn’t make it easy for you, but I know how much you love him and how he is your hero.
And I know you are conflicted with your values…
After all, he did hit your mum…
But for now, let’s just put this away and be kind to yourself.
There is no guilt or shame in loving someone who has made mistakes. You will make plenty yourself and it won’t do you any good to hold grudges so you might as well let that go.
Your dad was born into a very tough generation and the only thing he was taught well, was to fight his way out of any challenging situation.
He was born during a time when Aboriginal people were not yet accepted as citizens of this country and his mum was a 16year old ‘half caste’ Aboriginal girl, a terminology that was derogatory then and still is now.
His father (your granddad) was 23 years old so you must understand, this was not the ideal relationship and he was born into a double whammy world of shame.
He doesn’t have very good memories of how his father treated his mother either…
In fact, by the time he was five years old, they both copped a beating which resulted in them both being thrown out onto the street, literally with all their belongings and nowhere to go..
It was because of this and his mother’s last beating that he decided he wanted to learn how to fight so he could protect his mother.
And at five years old he felt helpless…
But he was determined to start training as quickly as he could.
By the time he was 12 years old, he decided he couldn’t wait any longer, so he walked into the local police station and asked to get his license (you were meant to be 15).
The Policeman gave him a wink, signed his piece of paper and just like that he was 15 years old. Until the day he died he kept that secret to the authorities and was always three years younger than his driver’s license said.
He loves that story, and I can assure you that you will hear it many times over when you start visiting him in his senior years…
Just pretend to be surprised every single time he tells it because you love how he chuckles at himself for getting away with it.
The very same day he got his illegal piece of paper, he walked into the local PCYC and jumped into the boxing ring.
He couldn’t wait to learn how to fight, and his strongest motivation was to protect his family. The only family he had was his mother.
Imagine a wiry 12-year-old kid jumping into the ring and boxing with 15- and 16-year-old boys.
The way he tells the story was he would sometimes get knocked down, but he always got up and kept fighting. Nobody could knock him out.
Charlie, if there’s one thing you get from this story, let it be this…
Don’t let anyone knock you out, always get back up.
Well guess what?
His mother eventually did meet a lovely man who soon became your dad’s stepfather, who you now know as Pop.
And it wasn’t long before he had a new family of his own as well…
He had a new sister (your Aunty Jax) and a new brother (your Uncle Michael).
But your dad would never really feel like he fit in or belonged anywhere.
This era held a long-time hostility towards anyone of Aboriginal descent and this kind of shame can’t help but get handed down to your children.
Intergenerational trauma sounds like a big bunch of words now but it’s a real thing that you’ll go onto learn more about and it will be something which helps you heal as you get much older.
His mother used to bleach her skin white to fit in and was forbidden to see her own mother because she was so black.
His father threw him out on the street like garbage and his mother is not even classed as a citizen.
All these events are going to have a traumatic effect on what you think of yourself, and he wasn’t able to be the best role model as a father.
Your dad’s luck eventually changed, and he was raised to become a strong hard working tough as nails kind of guy. He judged everyone by how hard they worked and how much money they made. But he hated people who tried to bullshit him.
One of his favourite sayings was always, ‘’You can’t bullshit a bullshitter’’.
Your dad could detect the slightest whiff of BS from miles away and he would call you out or shut you down depending on how many beers he had already had.
Whilst he was harmless in many ways… his death stare could kill a zombie.
He was one of the most misunderstood humans I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
And the reason why I’m telling you all this.
Because you spend way too much of your life desperately wanting him to be proud of you, desperately wondering if he loved you and always feeling crazy guilty for loving him and respecting him despite how shitty he was as a husband and a father.
It’s going to take you years of heartache, tears and eventually his death before you realise that despite his inability to know love, show love or even understand what being a good father was meant to look like…
He loved you so much it scared him.
The emotion of love was so foreign to him that it’s the very reason he distanced himself from all of us and why he used alcohol to numb the loss of it.
It was him that thought he wasn’t good enough for you.
It was him that felt the shame of what he had done.
It was him that was consumed by guilt because he had broken his own promise to himself and became the exact version of his dad that he himself despised.
He ends up never forgiving himself and he literally drinks himself to death.
Again – his actions and behaviours to your mum are never ok but that event isn’t who your dad was.
He was an incredible human with a big heart – bigger than Pharlap.
And I miss him now even while I’m writing this to you.
I know you miss him too, but you will spend so much precious time together -I promise.
And he will love you for every second of effort you put into making that happen.
Whenever you hug him make sure you hang on just a little tighter than the time before.
Make sure you tell him that you love him because it will make him squirm, and grizzle but it will warm his heart.
Make sure you listen to all his crazy stories even though you have heard them all before, because one day you will be sitting down to type yourself a letter just wishing that you could hear one of those crazy stories all over again.
But most of all, tell him that he was the best dad he could be…
And given time all over again you wouldn’t want any other dad but him.
Forgive him – because he really did the best job he could.
And he loved you the best way he knew how.
Most of all – forgive yourself for all the guilt you’re feeling now and will feel in the future…
Because despite what you’re thinking right now…
And what you will struggle with as you grow up…
Remember that he didn’t do such a bad job of raising you after all –
Because as I look in the mirror…
It looks like you turned out ok to me. 😉
Lots of love Charlie x